Wheatonia, Episode 1

I spent most of 2013 doing my level-headed best to not write. The thing that got me back was a goofy-ass writing prompt over at Slacktivist wherein Fred suggested a Wheaton-centric Christian version of Portlandia. I immediately wanted that to exist and, more importantly, I wanted to write it. Wheaton, after all, is my hometown and Portlandia is one of my favorite shows. So I wrote a bunch of “episodes” and posted them in the comments. Now they’re here. For posterity.

EPISODE 1

SCENE
LA SPIAZA COFFEE HOUSE
3:00 PM SATURDAY

(Establishing shot of interior of coffee shop. Camera focuses on CALEB and MARY, who are wearing Wheaton College sweatshirts, sitting in front of Apple laptops, and leafing through leather-bound Bibles.)

CALEB: So I was doing my daily devotionals today and god just really spoke to me.
MARY: Really?
CALEB: Yeah. I was reading this one passage that said something about how god said he’d help us in our struggles and you know how hard I’ve had things lately.
MARY: You have?
CALEB: Oh, yeah. I’ve had to take all of those tests for my Systematic Theology courses. And right in the middle of studying my IPod Touch broke so I had to switch to my Christian music station on Pandora but my wi-fi connection was really bad.
MARY: Oh. Man. That’s rough.
CALEB: Yeah. But I prayed about it and Jesus told me to just persevere and it would all get better.
MARY: Would…would you like to pray about it now? Like, with me?
CALEB: That would be great. Thanks.

END SCENE

SCENE
MARIANO’S FRESH MARKET
7:00 PM SATURDAY

(Establishing shot of produce section of grocery store. JEFF is looking at tomatoes when CALEB walks in.)

CALEB: Jeff? Jeff Peterson, is that you?
JEFF: Um…Caleb?
CALEB: Yeah! I haven’t seen you since high school! How are you doing?
JEFF: I’m great. Just back for the weekend.
CALEB: Where did you go to school again? Calvin?
JEFF: No.
CALEB: Trinity?
JEFF: No.
CALEB: Bethel?
JEFF: No.
CALEB: Gordon?
JEFF: No.
CALEB: Well it can’t be Biola, since you wouldn’t be back for the weekend from California.
JEFF: I go to the University of Illinois.
CALEB (blinks a few times): Oh. Wow. That’s great. I’ll bet that’s a fertile missions field. You must be really strong, since god called you to go there.
JEFF (looking uncomfortable): Uh…sure.
CALEB: So did you find a good church down there?
JEFF: Not really.
CALEB (looking like he’s about to be sick): Oh. Well, I’ll pray for you, man.

END SCENE

SCENE
COLLEGE CHURCH
7:00 AM SUNDAY

(Establishing shot of church sanctuary. The pews are empty. CALEB, ETHAN, JENNIFER, MARY, and DAVID are practicing for the morning’s service.)

CALEB: Okay, guys, let’s play “Jesus is the Bestest Ever.”
(Band starts playing, something sounds off.)
CALEB: Stop. Stop. (turns to JENNIFER) Jen, what are you doing?
JENNIFER: I’m playing the song.
CALEB: No, you’re playing “The Bestest Thing Ever is Jesus.” We’re doing “Jesus is the Bestest Ever.”
JENNIFER: Oh…sorry. Which one is that again?
MARY: It’s the one that goes, “Jesus/Oh Jesus/Oh oh Jesus/Oh, god, oh Jesus/Oh oh oh Jesus/You feel so good.”
JENNIFER: I thought that was “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”
CALEB: I think we’re going to have to have some extra rehearsal time to go over the songs.
END SCENE

SCENE
COLLEGE CHURCH
1:00 PM SUNDAY

(CALEB is sitting in an office. PASTOR BOB walks in.)

PASTOR BOB: That was some really great singing today, Caleb. Where do you come up with them?
CALEB: It’s all Jesus. I just pray, get my heart right with god, and then the songs kind of…happen, you know?
PASTOR BOB: Well keep them coming.
CALEB: Oh, I hope to, sir. I’ve got some extra rehearsal time tonight and I’m guessing something good will come out of it.
END SCENE

SCENE
SUNRISE APARTMENTS
9:00 PM SUNDAY

(Establishing shot of the outside of an apartment building. Music from the morning’s service is playing over the shot.)

JENNIFER: Jesus/Oh Jesus/Oh oh Jesus/Oh, god, oh Jesus/Oh oh oh Jesus/You feel so good.
CALEB: Now you’re getting it. Let’s practice again.
(Camera switches to an interior shot. CALEB and JENNIFER are lying naked in a bed. One of the songs from the morning is playing on the stereo.)
JENNIFER: Why don’t we write a new song?

END SCENE

SCENE
COLLEGE CHURCH
7:00 AM THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY

(Establishing shot of church sanctuary. The pews are empty. CALEB, ETHAN, JENNIFER, MARY, and DAVID are practicing for the morning’s service.)

CALEB: Okay, everyone, we’re going to try our new song, “Come All Over Me Jesus.”
END SCENE

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