Season 2, Episode 1: “Daggers, Pt. 1”
Plot Synopsis (blatantly stolen from Wikipedia): The crew of the new seaQuest shove-off from New Cape Quest, Florida, but their shakedown cruise is interrupted when Genetically Engineered Life Forms (G.E.L.F.s) revolt and seize control of their island colony as well as a defensive weapons space base and threaten to destroy the Human race.
Yup. Seems legit. Also, this is apparently a two-parter.
00:00:00: We start with some good, old-fashioned lazy-ass world-building wherein dictionary definitions are thrown up on the screen we discover that a “dagger” is a short, stabby weapon, a mark used by painters, and a genetically engineered human-like form from the “dark age of genetics.” We then find out that the “dark age of genetics” was a time when humans used genetically engineered human-like forms to wage war. This happened between 2001 and 2003 and was outlawed by the UN in 2004. We all remember that, right?
I don’t know what’s less believable: the premise itself or the idea that the UN managed to do anything binding in response and that its response was then respected for a decade and a half. That sounds nothing like the UN I know and love.
00:00:45: Speedboat. We’re retooling as Baywatch, I guess. There’s, like, 30 seconds of speedboat action. No Hasselhoff, though. Why do I feel like the addition of the Hoff would make this way better?
I would totally watch that for an hour and a half. Also, you’re welcome. You’re all welcome.
00:01:30: We reach GELF Island. It’s a big prison where people with weirdly mottled skin are, um, imprisoned. They’re very quiet.
00:03:10: Tai chi in the exercise yard. This is…exciting isn’t the word for it.
00:04:00: Still doing tai chi.
00:04:30: Still doing tai chi, but it’s faster and with flips and shit. I guess this is supposed to indicate the inherent prowess of the GELFS, maybe?
00:04:40: The speedboat arrives. Hooray for plot advancement!
00:05:10: The speedboat was piloted by Lt. Brody. He’s got fantastic hair. I recognize his name from the character lists on IMDb, which means he’s important.
00:05:40: Extended sequence of GELFs pretending strangle Brody while he looks on with a worried look and ominous music plays.
00:06:10: Brody enters a room. An older man tells him “they’re up to something.” Obviously. They do know they’re in an episode of a ‘90s sci-fi show, right? Also, it’s 2018. These guys have apparently been locked up since 2004. That has to suck.
(Side note: genetically engineered soldiers were a total Biden in sci-fi. Khan was a genetically engineered super soldier in TOS and the movies. A genetically engineered super soldier made an appearance in an episode of TNG. They all dated back to right around now. This, to me, is baffling. We’re currently creating the opposite of super soldiers. Our next war will be fought over internet message boards by soldiers fueled by Funyuns. No one is going to lock the soldiers up after that.)
Uh oh, it’s their birthday.
00:06:30: We find out that Brody sympathizes with the GELFs. The older guy hates them. Plot point!
00:07:15: The GELFs disappear from the parade ground. No one seems to care.
00:07:50: Quick cut to a motorcyclist on a highways somewhere in Florida. The motorcyclist is speeding. A police camera scans the license plate and someone calls to say, “Hey, stop that!” This is the most accurate future prediction made by the writers of seaQuest yet. Also, odds are good that this is either Lucas returning to the sub or a new perspective character coming aboard for their first tour of duty. Who’s to say? They’re wearing a blacked-out helmet visor and black leathers…
Or maybe it’s Tom Cruise going to the Top Gun school.
00:08:35: Speeding ticket costs $930. Future cops don’t fuck around. Also, seriously, that’s a mortgage payment right there. What kind of crazy inflation happened in seaQuest world?
00:08:47: Quick cut to the new seaQuest. Remember, the old seaQuest was destroyed at the end of season 1 because it needed to re-seal the ocean floor. By exploding. Still don’t know how that worked.
00:09:02: Fake-out! Our reckless motorcyclist was none other than Captain Nathan Bridger, now with beard power!
00:09:20: Lucas shows up on a jet ski. With a girl. Glad we’ve solved that problem.
00:10:45: Extended sequence of awkward flirting between Lucas and some random girl in a bikini ends with Bridger cock-blocking his young charge. She seems to be more impressed by Beard Power Bridger and his motorcycle, anyway.
00:10:53: Bikini girl makes O-face at Beard Power Bridger while Lucas misses the thread. Poor Lucas. Poor bikini girl. Beard Power Bridger is married to the sea. He has no time for this.
00:11:15: Bikini girl asks for a ride on Beard Power Bridger’s motorcycle. Beard Power Bridger laughs. I’m so glad we were all here to witness this moment.
00:12:00: Lucas gets a ride on Bridger’s motorcycle. That’s the romance we were all here to see, anyway.
00:12:05: Back to GELF Island. Uh oh! Two random GELFs be plotting. One wants to fight. One wants to be patient. Guess which one will win?
00:13:00: Quick cut. Another, more differenter GELF has a gun like thing. This will end well.
00:14:00: Old guy from the initial sequence is back. Apparently he’s getting some from a female GELF. Odds she’ll snap his neck in the next ten seconds: high.
00:14:45: Wait, no, she stole his gun to take him hostage.
00:15:00: Back to seaQuest. It’s Commander Ford doing orientation. The new crew seems kinda terrible.
00:16:10: Commander Ford steals a stuffed animal from a grown woman and throws it on the contraband stuffed animal pile. Yes, there’s a contraband stuffed animal pile. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that people in the UEO Navy carry around stuffed animals or that Commander Ford seems to take great pleasure in stealing them.
00:17:00: Standard laundry list of things what ain’t working and people who are missing, including Beard Power Bridger. This means we’ll soon be seeing seaQuest going to war. But first we need an extended sequence of Beard Power Bridger meeting the new bridge for the first time.
00:19:34: Beard Power Bridger opens a window. Darwin just so happens to be there. Because why not?
00:20:19: We meet a random GELF, whose job it is to clean the seaQuest. He introduces himself as Dagwood. This is awkward.
00:22:08: We’re back to Brody and GELF Island. No one is doing their job. The guards are playing a video game. That’s how this ends: in fire. Oh, wait, did I say “fire?” I meant “incompetence.”
00:23:20: Cut to a GELF in labor. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
00:24:00: The revolution begins!
00:24:20: Back to seaQuest. Ted Raimi shows up.
00:25:30: Something or other collapses on Ted Raimi and Ortiz. Dagwood picks it up single-handedly and saves their lives. It’s a new day in human-GELF relations.
00:27:35: Guards be dyin’ all over GELF Island.
00:28:40: Brody bravely runs for the escape pod.
00:29:30: Well that was fast. Coup over, GELF baby already looks to be 6 months old.
00:30:40: Now we’re at a jail. Some prisoner is being taken to “catch a boat.” His name is Piccolo. We have yet another stock character, the prisoner needing redemption.
00:32:45: Random woman in short skirt barges in on Beard Power Bridger. Has awkward conversation. We discover she’s Dr Wendy Smith, who is apparently replacing Dr Westphalen from season 1. Dr Westphalen was an older, no-nonsense scientist/doctor/mother/whatever we need her to be this episode character. She was likeable in that gruff, competent Dr Pulaski from Star Trek: TNG sort of way. Dr Smith appears to be bubbly and flighty. This is a bad sign.
00:34:30: New Doctor is a parapsychologist. Fuck, this will end poorly.
00:35:05: Military launch requests permission to board. And we’ve got Piccolo. He immediately pisses off Beard Power Bridger and runs away. Because there are so many places to escape on a submarine.
00:38:07: Darwin saves the day! We also find out Piccolo has gills. Is there anyone who isn’t genetically modified in 2018?
00:39:00: A dozen GELFs with three powerboats set out to take over UEO headquarters. That happens.
00:39:45: Piccolo moves in with Lucas. Immediately starts hanging 1980s bikini girl posters on the walls. We find out that Lucas isn’t about bikini girl posters. This seems like a problem. No heterosexual 16 year-old boy should be alarmed by 1980s bikini girl posters.
00:42:15: Budding romance between random-crewwoman-who-had-her-stuffed-animal-stolen-by-Commander-Ford and Ted Raimi? I sure hope so…
00:42:45: seaQuest rescues Brody after his brave disappearance. We find out he was some sort of war hero. And quite the lady’s man.
00:45:00: Beard Power Bridger is ordered to nuke GELF Island. And we’re officially To Be Continued…
So what have we learned from this episode of SeaQuest DSV? First, they’re going to turn up the sexual tension, so sorely lacking from season 1, as much as possible. There’s all kinds of ‘shipping potential going on here. Ted Raimi/random crewmember, Brody/Dr Smith, Piccolo/bikini girl poster, Lucas/Darwin, and, of course, the ever popular Beard Power Bridger/anyone with whom he makes eye contact. I’m also looking for signs of a dark horse Dagwood/Ortiz situation…
The episode itself dragged. It’s one of those intro episodes to re-familiarize everyone added to a “we just retooled so you need to be reintroduced to the world” episode. Those are the fucking worst.
Oh, well, on to part 2…
Big Fucking Deal