Season 2, Episode 1: “Daggers, Part 2”
Plot Synopsis (blatantly stolen from Wikipedia): The crew of the new seaQuest shove-off from New Cape Quest, Florida, but their shakedown cruise is interrupted when Genetically Engineered Life Forms (G.E.L.F.s) revolt and seize control of their island colony as well as a defensive weapons space base and threaten to destroy the Human race.
00:03:06: We get to meet the new title sequence after one o’ them episode recaps. It’s as ‘90s sci-fi as TV could get.
00:04:02: We start on GELF Island. One of the GELFs asks a (normal human) prisoner if he wants water and the prisoner spits at him. Is it just me is or that a really played-out trope? I don’t think it was new in 1993 and I’ve certainly seen it about a million times since. Can we come up with a new show of defiance? Please?
00:04:20: we find that there are two factions. One wants peace, the other ran away to destroy UEO Headquarters during the first part. The peaceful ones are still on the island trying to negotiate with Beard Power Bridger.
00:06:00: Ah, apparently the new doctor lady’s job is to be Deanna Troi. Because every sci-fi show needs a woman whispering to the captain that people are lying to him.
00:07:10: Ooh, I missed a ‘shipping opportunity after the part 1 recap: Ford/Brody. They’ve got a pissing contest going on because Brody is good at things. Hence we get this exchange:
Brody: I’m rated AAA-6 in demolitions. I led the demo team during that skirmish in Tonkin.
Ford: Tell me, is there anything you can’t do?
Brody: Yeah, I’m having a heck of a time learning the bagpipes.
Ford: I’ll bet you look good in a skirt.
::Meaningful look and laugh::
Bring on the interracial homoeroticism!
And back to the plot: um, the GELFs have the island locked up and no one with non-biological equipment can get in. What to do, what to do? Oh, wait, we recently met a guy who has gills! Imagine that.
00:09:00: The GELF baby is launched out to sea by her mother. Like baby Moses, I guess.
00:10:00: More Ford/Brody ‘shipping! These guys have way better chemistry than Lucas/bikini girl. They’re not quite as believable as Beard Power Bridger/everyone else, though. But, hey, we can’t all be the best.
00:10:21: Piccolo meets GELF Moses’s capsule. Instantly decides to take him back to the ship in spite of the fact that it’s just some random plastic capsule and there’s no window to see the occupant. It even says “refuse” on the side.
00:11:20: It’s crying! New doctor lady immediately understands the implications. She’s so smart.
00:12:00: The GELFs reach UEO headquarters! Oh no! Again, this is, like, 12 people and 3 powerboats.
00:13:00: Apparently GELFs never need to breathe. They’ve been swimming underwater for about ten minutes. I’ll bet this is a plot hole that gets explained later. I’ll bet the explanation is really dumb.
00:13:40: And they’re in! Because they disconnected air hoses from submersibles without actually disabling said submersibles. Apparently future people don’t know how to hold their breath. Unless they’re GELFs.
00:15:30: They’ve managed to bust in on the Secretary General. How fucking lax is security in the UEO?
00:16:30: We find out that Piccolo is totally dad material. Now Dagwood has showed up. Aw, Dagwood and Piccolo would make adorable dads to the little GELF Moses.
00:17:45: Dr Smith says “nucular.” Some doctor.
00:18:00: We find out that there are no more rainforests and humanity breathes because of technology. Seems legit.
00:18:30: The GELFs have stolen a submersible and kidnapped the Secretary General. More importantly, Ford/Brody continue to flirt. Also, the submersible looks kinda like an underwater Klingon warbird. It’s pretty badass.
00:20:05: Apparently they gave GELF Moses to Lucas. Why the fuck would anyone do that? Fortunately Piccolo lives with Lucas now and Piccolo is gonna be a great daddy someday. Also, too, I wonder what GELF poop is like. Is it genetically-engineered super poop?
00:22:30: Uh oh! The GELFs gonna destroy the air exchanges. They can kill all of humanity that way because GELFs don’t need as much oxygen. Why did we go and destroy all of the rainforests?
00:24:14: News report explaining the attack. Includes information that would have been common knowledge. Gotta love sci-fi TV explanations for people who obviously don’t live in that world.
00:25:30: “Ronald Reagan Memorial Laser Space Base.” Yup. That’s a thing in this world. WHY IS EVERYTHING NAMED AFTER RONALD REAGAN?
00:26:30: Yet another oxygen thingy is destroyed. Here’s my question: How long would it take for everyone to suffocate? There’s obviously vegetation, since the two we’ve seen so far are in the middle of fields and we’ve seen many, many establishing shots that include trees and whatnot. Earth is a pretty damn big place. So wouldn’t there be time to, like, come up with a stopgap solution before everyone just up and conks out? Also, have they really thought through the consequences of dropping oxygen to only 8%? You know what else needs an oxygen balance that’s just right to survive? Every other oxygen breathing creature on the planet Earth. I hope the GELFs enjoy their lifeless husk of a planet.
00:26:40: We find out that the UEO doesn’t negotiate with terrorists. That’s original. Beard Power Bridger points out that GELFs aren’t human, so they can’t be terrorists unless they’re recognized as human. Then he suggests giving the GELFs their freedom. It’s a really stupid argument.
00:27:30: Dagwood is an uncle, we’re told by Dr Smith. But we find out that GELF Moses is more human than GELF. This gets into a weird sidebar about how GELFs don’t have a god. Dr Smith’s explanation? Spontaneous evolution. That’s…that’s probably not a thing.
00:29:00: GELFs recognized, agree to stand down. Then they destroy another oxygen thingy, anyway. There’s a surprise.
00:29:50: Beard Power Bridger and Dr Smith start flirting over the nature of spontaneous evolution. Smith explains that GELFs are choosing to become human. That somehow modifies their internal organs and causes GELF Moses to just spontaneously become human. This…this is really fucking stupid. Seriously, the explanation is that evolution itself decided that GELFs couldn’t survive, so it made it possible for them to just give birth to human babies. Dr Smith has roughly the same understanding of evolution as Answers in Genesis. Fortunately she’s way more attractive than Ken Ham.
00:31:45: seaQuest is ordered to go medieval on the GELF’s collective asses. FINALLY.
00:32:30: Now we find out that Brody knows the command codes for the super powerful stealth sub. Because why wouldn’t he? Commander Ford is not in this scene, undoubtedly because he’s rubbing one out in his bunk and he can’t quite figure out why.
00:33:15: New England already losing oxygen. Because that’s how it works.
00:34:08: The GELFs pilot their sub into a rock. Then they decide to fight seaQuest. Because that will end well.
00:36:15: Dr Smith tells the GELFs that GELF Moses is human and won’t be able to breathe. GELFs don’t trust humans. Because, y’know, humans suck.
00:36:45: Dagwood saves day! GELFs trust Dagwood. Dagwood tell truth.
00:38:00: We’re back to GELF Island. The GELFs are free, but apparently still live in their prison complex. That would have to suck all the balls.
00:39:00: Beard Power Bridger thanks Dagwood. Dagwood doesn’t understand. Beard Power Bridger commissions him into the UEO Navy, apparently. It’s awkward, since Dagwood seems to have the intelligence of a particularly dumb puppy. Some super soldier prototype he is…
00:40:30: And now we cut to Ted Raimi (his character’s name is O’Neill. I care not, since he’s Ted fucking Raimi. Also Richard Dean Anderson is the only O’Neill allowed in sci-fi, even if he was O’Neill after Ted Raimi and also after Kurt Russell played the same character) folding his underwear. We all know what this means: he’s about to get walked in on by the random crewmember who got her stuffed animal stolen (her name is Henderson. She’s in the opening credits now. I suppose I should use her real name).
00:40:35: And there she is! Right as Ted Raimi is folding his Friday underwear: a red thong. Adorbs! Totes adorbs!
00:41:00: Somehow her teddy bear ended up with Ted Raimi’s underwear. If this doesn’t end with awkward nerd sex I don’t know what will.
00:41:40: We find out they both organize their underwear by the day of the week. Ehrmahgerd!
00:42:00: Cut to the obligatory onboard poker game. Ortiz, Piccolo, Smith, Lucas. Did not see that combo coming.
00:43:50: Scene: COMMANDER FORD, reading. LIEUTENANT BRODY enters, looks at book.
BRODY: I read that.
FORD: Oh yeah?
BRODY: First half’s okay, but the ending. The police captain is the murderer. Pretty predictable, huh?
FORD: (putting book down with look of disgust) Yeah. It is now.
BRODY: Hey, nothing worse than reading a whole book and realizing the ending stinks, right?
FORD: Well I can think of a few things, actually, like not being given the opportunity to make that determination on my own.
BRODY: Waste of time. And from what I hear the crew of this tug has wasted enough of it.
FORD: What should we be doing?
BRODY: Fucking. I’ll go get my skirt.
Oh, wait, no, those last two lines weren’t part of the scene. But, hey, we find out that Brody’s officially joining the crew, so there will be plenty of time for stolen glances and secret inside jokes…
00:45:00: They’re rooming together? THEY’RE ROOMING TOGETHER! Best. News. Ever.
So that was the end of the season 2 premiere. It was a long, somewhat boring ride but we learned a lot about ourselves. I, for one, learned that it’s surprisingly easy to get into slash fiction. Also, thanks to IMDb, I’ve learned that the actress who played the GELF woman trying to blow up the world is married to Kevin Sorbo. Also, Peter DeLuise, who played Dagwood, wrote and/or directed a bunch of episodes of Stargate SG-1 and occasionally acted. At one point he played a character named Lieutenant Dagwood as a tribute. Useful information, I’m sure.
Also, I’ve figured out why season 2 got so much hate. After marathoning season 1 and laughing at some of the sillier plots (Charleton Heston as an undersea cult leader! The Spin Doctors! Tuvok from Voyager in a super-’80s vest leading a colony of kiddie hackers!) I wasn’t expecting greatness, but I was expecting to find out that there was a certain amount of unrealistic post-re-tool bitching. Sadly, “Daggers” is noticeably worse and much dumber than anything that happened in season 1. And season 1 had a million year-old alien ship buried under the Pacific Ocean. Oh, hey, speaking of:
Stay tuned for next week’s episode. The aliens are back! This is gonna be good.