Season 2, Episode 3: “The Fear that Follows” (Part 2, because…ugh)
Plot synopsis (blatantly stolen from Wikipedia): The engineers of the alien spacecraft that the original seaQuest discovered before her destruction receive the message sent by the crew and relay their intentions, through Darwin, to make first contact with the Human race. While the crew are ecstatic, General Thomas and a hot-shot UEO lieutenant can only see things from a military perspective.
In other words, hooray! Aliens!
So we’re back due to the huge amounts of fail in the first half of this episode. I really, REALLY hope this won’t become a trend.
00:20:50: We cut to a bunch military types interrogating the alien guys. Their big questions are, “Hey, do you come to Earth often. Also, can you give us your stuff?”
Turns out the aliens are trying to find the genesis of all life everywhere. That seems like work.
Someone points out that it’s kind of a waste of time, at which point the aliens say to ask Dr Smith about wasting time. She starts crying. I…I don’t understand this exchange. There’s some sort of weird implied telepathy going on or something, though, so that’s neat.
Then the aliens ask to leave the base. They’re told no because people will panic. Apparently the aliens don’t have any concept of panic.
The alien turns and looks directly at Lucas and says, “But you are not afraid.”
Lucas replies with, “Well, I guess I’m just too stupid to be afraid.”
I understand exactly none of this exchange. I really want to go back to that crazy elderly guy in the street. Maybe get Dagwood involved. It’s literally like they had four different people write this episode in four different rooms, then they got a fifth person drunk and had them paste the dialog together.
00:23:45: We get the explanation about the whole Dr Smith crying thing. The general asked her to read the alien’s mind. Yeah. You heard me. Beard Power Bridger is not amused. The general’s response?
“What good is having a parapsychologist if you can’t engage her?”
So…people in 2018 can actually read minds. Specifically they can read the minds of silicon-based aliens from the other side of the galaxy a few hours after the first meet and greet. Good to know.
This sort of thing was totally a part of Star Trek: The Next Generation and Babylon 5. In those two shows telepathy came in the form of alien abilities and/or genetic manipulation by super advanced alien races. It was, therefore, defensible. seaQuest DSV just said, “Hey, we’ll have telepaths in 25 years.”
00:24:30: General guy tries to get Beard Power Bridger to use Lucas as leverage over the aliens. Bridger says it ain’t gonna happen, probably because that sort of thing is undoubtedly against the UEO charter. Plan B: impound their spaceship.
This is how to go about making friends and influencing aliens, I suppose.
00:25:05: We cut to Lucas in his room on seaQuest. He’s sleeping. In the clothes he was wearing in the last scene.
An alien hand reaches towards him. Apparently Beard Power Bridger relented and we’re going with Plan A. That’ll end well.
This alien lacks the shiny fiber-optic translation crown, so Lucas speaks to it like a dog. I really feel like the writers could have gone in a different direction than, “Treat the super-advanced aliens like Lassie.” For starters, each of the aliens could have gotten their own shiny fiber-optic translation crown.
00:26:20: The aliens take Lucas into the woods. Run, Lucas, run!
Also, the aliens were supposedly under guard on a military base. Their little wrist computer thingies were taken away from them. How, precisely, did they manage to leave? Furthermore, if it turns out they could just up and leave any time they damn well pleased what are the odds that this will result in the military guys suddenly saying, “Hey, maybe we shouldn’t treat them like crap?” I’ll go with low.
00:26:50: Brody and Ford show up in a cute little electric roadster with t-tops. Totes adorbs! I was starting to worry they wouldn’t be in any scenes together.
00:27:15: They find Lucas and the aliens after about three seconds of searching. One of the aliens is missing, though.
00:27:45: The other two aliens, like, become Brody and Ford. It’s super convenient how the search party consisted of exactly two people. Like, say Beard Power Bridger or Piccolo or Ted Raimi had also come along. Then there’d be a witness to the body snatching and where would the plot go from here? Nowhere. That’s where it would go.
00:28:50: After a brief interlude of pretty much everyone else in the UEO in the same wooded spot we cut to our alien possessed threesome in their totes-adorbs t-top mobile speeding down a deserted road in the middle of the night. Then a cop shows up. I seem to remember that in the season opener a roadside station just scanned Bridger’s license plate and fined him remotely. This worldbuilding makes no sense.
00:29:50: The cop informs our alien buddies that they’re in a non-authorized Confederation zone. I’m not at all sure what that means. I don’t think they’ve left Florida.
00:30:15: The cop tells them to turn around. They don’t wanna, which means it’s time to go all alien zapper on the cop. That’s gonna cause an international incident…
00:30:25: We cut to Dagwood’s drawing, which is suspiciously similar to a pattern that’s appeared on Darwin’s skin. Called it!
00:31:25: Ted Raimi shows up. Beard Power Bridger holds up the drawing and says, “Do you recognize this?” It’s a bunch of purple squiggles Dagwood drew on the back of a placemat. Why the hell would Ted Raimi recognize it?
00:31:28: Ted Raimi recognizes it. Of course he does. Because that’s the kinda bullshit season 2 of seaQuest DSV pulled. He claims it’s a “codit,” or a “picture language” like the kind used by the “Temecuan Mound Builders.” I’m just guessing on the spelling of all of those things, since the Internet doesn’t seem to think any such things exist. Now they’re just fucking with us.
Although this does bring up an interesting point: How in the world did we watch sci-fi shows before the Internet? I wouldn’t have been able to pick this apart in 1994 with nothing more than five minutes on the Google. It was truly a dark, dark world…
00:31:50: Ted Raimi suggests that they go ask a Seminole how to read the writing. So I guess we’re about to find out about the old dude standing in the middle of the road. Also there are apparently still Reservations. Because it’s 2018, the world has gone through massive political upheaval, and we’re still making Native Americans live on reservations.
00:32:00: Our alien possessed main cast members are now hiking through a swamp. In Florida. In the middle of the night. Because that’s safe.
00:32:15: Indian guy!
The aliens leave their captured bodies. Let’s review the plot. Basically, this means that the aliens came to Earth to meet a random Native American in the swamps of Florida. The aliens who, in season 1, could only speak in a million-year-old dialect of dolphin that apparently Darwin understood perfectly. It now turns out that they share a written language with a made-up meso-American tribe that the Seminoles of 2018 can totally translate. Need I remind you that their last contact with Earth before season 1 was a million years ago, or about 998,000 years before the Native American language in question, give or take a millennia?
00:32:45: And now the alien ship shows up, too. Why, precisely, did they need to do the body snatching thing and then get pulled over for speeding and zap a couple of cops? They could have just flown over in their giant space brick.
00:32:55: Indian guy is totally unfazed by this entire experience.
00:33:05: More people show up carrying stuff. It appears to be the Ark of the Covenant. Don’t open it! Wait, no, it’s a robe covered on those squiggly lines.
00:33:45: 5 more aliens show up. Indian guy starts speaking in a language I’d assume is Creek or Mikasuki. Although it could be Japanese for all the writers of seaQuest know. Besides, it’s not like it matters, since the aliens have universal translators and – and I cannot stress this enough – should technically only know how to speak dolphin.
Then other stuff happens and a giant, double-sided dildo starts descending from the alien ship. Or something. I’ve kind of given up.
00:34:45: Cut to a helicopter with Beard Power Bridger and space commander guy. Ted Raimi is giving them a lesson in Seminole history over the radio. Also the annoying security officer guy is there, too. Because of course he is. Odds that he’ll end up trying to shoot someone? 1:1.
00:35:30: Ted Raimi says he’s figured out the symbol and it’s an ancient Temecuan prophecy. Specifically a prophecy of the apocalypse. Because why the fuck not?
00:35:50: Back to the swamps. The aliens take Lucas, then they blow up the helicopter. Hey, we’ve only got 7 minutes to resolve this thing. Gotta take shortcuts where you can. Then two more aliens take over Brody and Ford.
00:36:15: The helicopter crew transports down. Not-Ford and Not-Brody tell them everything’s gonna be a-ok. Why did I ever talk myself into doing this? It seemed like such a good idea at the end of season 1.
00:37:00: Space commander guy walks up to the giant double-sided dildo and scans it for about five seconds before declaring it to be the echo of life from the Big Bang. I…I…what is that? I don’t even. Seriously, didn’t any of the writers watch Cosmos? He immediately hypothesizes that they’re not searching for life, but starting over.
So we cut to annoying security guy looking all pensive. He’s gonna start shooting soon, I just know it.
00:37:15: Wait, no, he takes an alien hostage. Because that will end well for him.
00:37:40: So he opens the double sided dildo. Turns out it’s some sort of cryo freeze preserver holding…the dessicated corpse of an ancient alien.
So, either way, it turns out that they came to dump the corpse of their dead leader on Earth because they got really smart and destroyed their own world. Now they’re trying to build a new world, but they promised the Seminoles that…something something. I don’t know. This makes literally zero sense, especially since it’s connected to the season 1 episode with the million year-old ship and the dolphin talkers and seaQuest sent the signal to call them and they came to meet seaQuest. I’m tired of pointing out plot holes, since it’s now clear to me that the entire plot is a hole.
Also, they want Lucas to go with them. Because why the fuck not? What alien doesn’t want a teenager to go hang out on their big brick ship?
Either way, the aliens leave, Lucas stays. Then there’s a weird montage of weather. And a clock moving backwards. Then it cuts back to the beginning of the episode like the last 40 minutes never happened.
So…time travel, I guess? Also, can I get in on that? I would love to get a few hours of my life back.
Lucas and Darwin seem to remember the events of the past couple days, though. As does the Indian guy.
Either way, wow. Just…wow. If episode 4 isn’t significantly better I’m going to have to switch this series to something like “Liveblogging Soviet propaganda films.” I’ve got Battleship Potemkin on my Netflix watch list, anyway.